The pain of divorce is real – whether you are the one pursuing the divorce or the one being served with divorce papers.
Feelings of shame, blame, resentment, and guilt feel overwhelming, even life consuming.
In your mind, you frequently go over the history of your marriage, over analyze everything, and keep score along the way, assigning blame and responsibility as you see fit.
The victim mindset easily sets in and you often find yourself thinking, “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” “Why am I being treated this way?”
After a while, it starts to feel like you’ll always feel this way; sad, depressed, and insecure in so many ways. Everything seems to be happening to you and things feel out of control.
Your identity is being challenged to its core. If you are no longer married and part of an in-tact family unit … then who are you?
These emotions and the associated pain and heartache are real … and very raw.
But the thing is … when you really think about it … sinking into depression during your divorce actually just creates even more problems.
If you truly desire to reconcile, then presenting yourself as a depressed mess will only repel your spouse rather than attract them back to you.
If you are not interested in reconciling but respond to your divorce by overeating, not exercising, and feeling completely stressed out all of the time, then what health problems could you suffer as a result?
If you isolate yourself and really feel like a victim, then you’ll likely find yourself being prescribed anti-depressants and, truthfully, you will likely age faster than you would otherwise.
And if you just blame your spouse for everything and thereby completely avoid doing any actual self-work, then you will likely repeat the very same patterns that led you to your current situation.
Sadly, many if not most spouses facing the challenging divorce process feel like they have no choice. They feel like they have to be absolutely miserable during their divorce and that their mental and physical health has to sink to all-time lows. They feel like the victim, and often, completely powerless.
And certainly, that’s one option available to all divorcing spouses.
But the truth is, … no one is obligated to sacrifice their personal wellbeing to the divorce process.
And, the honest truth is … no one has to feel that way.
Imagine if instead of being hurt when conflict arises, you received messages from the conflict?
What if you analyzed the conflict to determine what you want and do not want in your life?
What if conflict empowered you to set clear boundaries that ultimately lead you to self-fulfillment?
Divorcing spouses can break-free of this false concept that they must feel like victims and must willingly engage in acts of self-destruction.
Can you take steps to clear your fear of and misconception of conflict and endings, and instead, start receiving the messages the Universe is sending you through your divorce?
You are autonomous. You have free will. You have choices. Only YOU get to decide how you feel about anything that is said to you. Only YOU get to decide how you feel about how others treat you.
Once you start to receive the messages of your divorce, then you are in a position to feel into exactly what you want in your life.
Yet, determining what you want can be particularly difficult for divorcing men and women who have shaped their identity and decision-making processes completely around their spouse.
For those who are “spouse-centric” to be in a position to connect with what they actually want, additional soul work is required to open a path to reconnect with one’s true identity and desires as that identify and those desires are in question and feel distant after years of constantly putting one’s spouse first.
The bottom line is that, by shifting your perspective about conflict and endings, you can identify both what you want and do not want in your life.
Thus, if you allow it, your divorce can be your wake-up call to start leading your best life. In other words, your divorce can assist you to clearly determine what you want and don’t want in your life as well as how you want to feel and how you don’t want to feel, then you can radically evolve to a new way of living.
Divorce is tough. Divorce is challenging. Divorce is one of the biggest opportunities in your life for soul growth.
Thinking about handling your divorce without a lawyer using the court’s fill in the blank forms? Or have you already started using the court’s divorce forms, are finding them difficult to use and are running into problems? Need help with your divorce papers? If so, consider joining Julie’s HELP WITH DIVORCE PAPERS members’ area to gain instant access to written and video explanations of the entire divorce process along with easy-to-use, fill-in-the-blank court forms created to empower you with legal information to help you achieve a fair and efficient divorce case outcome without breaking the bank. To learn more and to sign up, click here.
About
Julie A. LaBenz has been licensed to practice law in Arizona since 2006. She is currently located in majestic Sedona, Arizona and focuses her law practice on divorce, estate planning and probate. To discuss your case with Julie, call 928-284-0909.